be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
