who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
