Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize