So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
