I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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