I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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