Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I love you.
Bad choice
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
