Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
