im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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