Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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