Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
