i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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