his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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