maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize