You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
