You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
