I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
