Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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