ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
