it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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