even my farts smell like vagina
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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