I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
