If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
