Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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