I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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