i need an iv and a liver transplant
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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