Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
