I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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