my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
