I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Sext me about skeletons
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
