I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize