party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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