Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
