I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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