Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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