I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
