I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
