Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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