From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
