omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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