I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
