just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
