Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
