I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want a musical about memes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
