Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Randomize
