Umm I'm too high to move.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize