last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
