If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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