I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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