They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just forgot I was standing up.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
