He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
