I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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