I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize