So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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