Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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