piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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