I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
