he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
