I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize