I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
